Why so serious?

Why so serious?
Haha.....
I think I have such title is because of the dark knight......
Even though I haven watch the dark knight...( hope to watch it haha)

I always wanna do things nicer......
Hope to have confirmation earlier.......
Hope to settle things before due date.....
Hope to have commitment from others.....

Why am i so serious?
The slogan from the 'joker' woke me up......
Thinking things from own point of view is not right....
Never ask for perfection...............
Establish your on responsibility is the way...........
Do not care too much of uncontrolled incidents......
Let things run by itself.....

This might show selfishness......
But not really......
Being special no matter in what way will end up isolated.....
Same species will never come out special type.....
Being special is not equivalent to excellent nor perfect.....

There is a line which we cant cross......
Once cross.....
You might found others hard to understand.....
There will be someone who can understand.....not many......

Showing all out is a dangerous move......
Restriction somehow appeal as normal.....
Special doesn't means better.....
Nitez....

Goodbye Grandma.......

Early morning……

When everyone was chatting happily……

My mom’s handphone rang……

Is a person who didn’t call my mom for years……

That person was her brother…….

At that moment…….

A very weird feeling rush through every nerve in my body……

Tells that something is not going right…..

Then my mom answers the call and asks: yes? What’s wrong?

Then she said: Oh…oh….when? Ok……

Very quickly after she hang up her phone……

She 1^st told my dad: My mother had passed away this morning…….

I was observing and listening all the while since before she answers the call……

I was not so sad…….

Because I already accepted the fact……..

Everyone must go through born, old, sick and die…..

But that feeling is sad…..I can’t deny……

Maybe that’s what people say…….

No matter how…..once a person who is your relative dead or hurt……

You will definitely feel the pain and sad……..

It depends on how obvious or how strong it is……

I never experience this before……

My grandpa passed away since before I born so I can’t feel the sadness…..

But now I’m 19 years old…..

I’m mature enough to understand what is sad………..

Really pain……..truly pain…….I don’t know how to explain the pain……

Really makes me uncomfortable…….

This feeling getting even stronger when I rush back to Ipoh just after I rush back home from my college and look at my grandma dead body…….

I don’t know how to react……

Because that time I and my dad was the last arriver who arrive to our hometown…….

All the way from our car to the house…….

Everyone is looking at us…….

I don’t know how to describe the expressions on their face……

I only know that……..those are sadness

I’m the eldest grandson among all…….

Everyone is focus on me……

Every action…..every expression……..even every word I say is so important……

After me and my dad went through the whole process……………

Not even a sound can be heard…..even the breathing sound is controlled…..silent…….

We had done the funeral by our Chinese traditional style…….

I was in charge to burn the “hell money” together with my 2 brothers for around 2 hours……

When someone has to ‘shiong hiong’…..we have to step aside and watch…..

I can never describe that phenomenon……….

My grandpa (my mom’s dad) did not sleep since after my grandma passed away……

Same goes to his 3^rd son who loves her mom so much……..

Now I’m writing this article at 1: 41am, 05/08/08……..

Just 2 ½ hour after the ceremony end……

Currently…….

Me, my mom, and my mom’s 2 brothers…….

For sure….my grandpa as well…….

We all can’t go to bed……

My grandpa now is still talking to my mom…..

Telling her what happen when my grandma dies……

What she told and how she pass away……

I chosen this moment to drop down this article because…..

I think this is a memorable and priceless moment in my life……

There are so many feelings turning around in my nerves……..

I can’t define those feelings…….But I can guess those are different types of sadness…..

Okay…..

I don’t think I can go to bed tonight…..

But I hope tomorrow morning me and all my relatives could accompany my grandma to finish her journey happily and peace……

I wanna tell u, grandma!!!! I have never visit you for 5 years……………

When I was thinking of visiting you next year…….you passed away……..

I can’t even speak a word to you or listen to you to tell me a word…….

I’m so sorry……..I’m really regretted……..

What can I do now is looking at your cold face and closed eyes……..

I’m the eldest among all children there……

I can’t cry out…..even I wanna cry……but no tears coming out……

I feel very pain……really pain……..

Its hurt......

Its hurt..........
when someone is not believing in you....
when someone is misunderstanding you.....
when someone is cheating you.....
when someone is lying to you when u know it.....
when someone you love is leaving.........
when someone you respect is not the one you thought it is......
when someone you believe the most is blaming on you.......

Its hurt....
Every single one of this situation happen is truly hurt........

The feeling was..........
You cant breath..........
Your heart is pain......
You feel powerless....
You feel hopeless......
You feel meaningless.....
You were dying to hope for a hand which can pull you up.....
You hope to have someone who hug you and say : don worry.....
Thousands of sharp blades are cutting through every part of your body.........
The heart is the most........

Mentally hurt are far more suffering then physical hurt.........
I rather you kill me than torturing me like this............
Not pain......but helpless..........

Just be the ONE.......

Now.......
peace..........
stable.........
real...........
steady.........

Nothing much to think of............
Nothing much to mad of............
Nothing much to worry of............
Nothing much to plan...........

It goes like this.......
So let it be..............
Be the one who never lost its vision.......
Be the one who never lost its temper........
Be the one who never complain..........
Be the one who never blame........
Be the one who never ask for more..........
Be the one who never think of anything which its deserve.........

Go on with every day and night...............
Enjoy what it has..................
Doesn't need to force.......
Doesn't need to care beyond your capability........

JUST BE THE ONE RIGHT NOW...........
nitez........